What Sounds Like a Realtor in a Down Market, Tears Paint Off of Walls, and Ruins Relationships?

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courtesy of 3 Stooges wiki

What will ruin a good relationship, scare small children, mumble endlessly like a real estate agent in a bad market and tear the paint right off of your walls? Snoring or more accurately the kind of snoring I am afflicted with today. Without going into the ugly history of my problem with snoring, suffice it to say that in my last corporate position I was forced to room, on business trips, with an ex Viet Nam vet who suffered from post dramatic stress syndrome. My “roomie” John was a wonderful guy who could not sleep unless the lights and television were ON at night.

I on the other hand had such a tremendous snoring problem that I was awakened in the middle of the night by hotel security in Chicago when a guest, down the hall SOME 60 FEET AWAY, bitterly complained that she could not sleep because of the “buzzsaw” coming from NEXT DOOR!

It was with resigned surrender that I willingly agreed to my road trip roommate arrangements. That was some 5 years ago and today I have, with help, muffled the problem. My solution was to first consult a ear, nose and throat specialist. His diagnosis? You are a frieght train out of control, your palate gets in the way of your nasal passages, you are stuffed up and you snore like a banchee. I remember thinking “Thanks pal for the heads up! What am I going to do to save my relationship?”

The solution was as simple, familiar, and intrusive: a mouthpiece. My doctor crafted and molded a mouthpiece to fit my teeth similar to the kind boxers, football, and basketball players wear. Since I have worn a mouthpiece to play hoops, I figured it would be a piece of cake! Wrong. This hunk of plastic took over 3 months to get used to wearing. The drool factor was enormous, the idea that I could not breathe coupled with the fact that I had a big hunk of plastic in my mouth made for some restless nights.

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Yet the mouthpiece worked! It cost me $350 for the mold and piece but it has been well worth the journey. No more drool, no more rocket engine, rock concert type Eddie Van Halen O.D.’d on Early Times sounds coming out of my mouth. Instead now I purr like a well tuned Enzo edition Ferrari, like a hummingbird vapor trail, like a butterfly flatulence.

Just in case you are allergic to plastic or mouth pieces, a new breakthrough in the fight for quiet has been made by a German scientist. “Daryoush Bazargani, professor of computer science at the University of Rostock and the pillow’s inventor, was displaying a prototype of his pillow at a health conference in Germany.”

According to a Reuter’s story this week:

“The pillow is attached to a computer, which is the size of a book, rests on a bedside table, and analyses snoring noises,” Bazargani told Reuters. The computer then reduces or enlarges air compartments within the pillow to facilitate nasal airflow to minimize snoring as the user shifts during sleep,” Bazargani stated.

There you have it. The next move, for all snoring sufferers, is yours. Best of luck and forget the earplugs they NEVER work!